STUPIDITY AGAIN

no matter what i do, i still am a STOOPiiD GiRL.

for four whole months, i've held everything in my heart. i did not expect to see him or to have a chance to talk to him. i did not do anything to bring back the memories, the feelings. i just decided it's time for me to MOVE ON.

but how bad it is. i am still so stupid, just like before. i let again my guards down. i let him to fool me once again.

i should have kept my mouth shut. i should have not been excited. i should have held my discipline right. i should have stopped myself from falling again.

from the moment he asked me how i feel for him, at that moment, my heart leaped, thinking that might be the chance i was waiting for. I SHOULD HAVE NOT BEEN STUPID, though.

i shouldn't have thought about me and him going out soon. i should have not thought there might be a possible future for the two of us. i should have not dreamed of that fantasy again. i should have not... i should have been more keen, more wise, more... more of everything.

i told him, of course, that i still love him. can i lie? can i hide my feelings when he confronted me that way? can i resist the temptation of thinking he might love me as well? can i?

of course i can't. i can't resist the sweet torture. i can't resist the opportunity of letting him know, once again, that he is still in my heart. it's like, i want to shout to the whole world how i feel.

but i should have not been that stupid. i should have thought of my actions.

why can't i learn my lessons? why do i still hope? why do i still wait? why do i still take the risks of falling for someone who doesn't really care, who only wants me to fall for him over and over again.

why is he like that? why does he want to stab my heart again and again? why can't he just let me reach my finish line?

it's been four months. FOUR WHOLE MONTHS. i thought i am almost near my finish line. i thought i am almost there.

but i think, i am still stranded, on the same ground where he left me once.